Lost
by Enmy
Summary: Sai is gone and Hikaru feels lonely. Akira has been chasing Hikaru, and this is the right moment to try to become Hikaru's friend and...even more...


**Title: **Lost

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Hikaru ho go, and therefore, claim no rights toward it.

**I don't want to play anymore…**

Hikaru was walking down the street. He wasn't going anywhere in particular, he let his feet carry him away. He didn't feel like doing anything, not now, after Sai left him without saying a word. Sai disappeared….vanished…forever. Hikaru didn't want to admit that but somewhere, deep in his heart, he knew that Sai is not coming back…never. He stopped asking himself why did Sai leave and where.

Once again, he was alone. He was so lonely that life had no sense for him anymore.

After he met Sai his life started to make sense, it had a purpose. He had been living to play go. But what was go without Sai? Go without Sai was like Sai without go….nothing. Life without go was nothing…life without Sai was nothing…he wanted his life back.

It started to rain, but he didn't care.

His feet took him to the park where he sat on a bench.

And that's where Akira found him.

"Shindo?" Akira was standing next to him and if looks could kill, Hikaru would have been dead.

"Huh?"

"What do you think you're doing Shindo? You've been missing your games for weeks now."

"Stop chasing me. I'm never playing go, ever again." Hikaru stood up, ready to leave, but Akira grabbed his hand.

"You're a pro now, isn't that what you wanted? So start acting responsible, not like a spoiled brat."

"You know nothing about me, so stop judging me." Hikaru was now trying to release his hand from Akira's grip, but Akira grabbed him with the other hand too. Now they were standing one in front of the other silently, Akira looking at Hikaru, and Hikaru looking at the ground.

"What's wrong Shindo?" Akira's voice was calm and his eyes weren't so cold anymore. He even let go of Hikaru's hands.

"I can't tell, you…you wouldn't understand." Hikaru turned around and left.

-

Akira was lying in his bed thinking about Hikaru.

_What is it that he can't tall me? What makes him so sad? __I've never seen him like this before, he seemed to be lonely and lost, but why? Shindo is not like me. He has friends at school and at the go institute…then why is he lonely?__I never thought that he would mean so much to me. He is the reason I want to be better at go. He's my rival…he's my friend…though he doesn't know it. __I told him that he would never see me again, that I will not chase him anymore, but I did. And he chased me too. What made him give up? Was he afraid that I left and that I won't be waiting for him. __I'll wait Shindo…I'll wait. __I want you by my side in the world of go. Just you and I. Nothing else matters. __But what if he is waiting for me too… I have to go to him. I can't loose him._

Akira fell asleep and he had a dream.

He was playing go with Shindo. It was the first game they played together. He was looking amazed at Shindo. The boy with two colored hair couldn't hold the stones properly but his moves were….incredible….it was as if he were…the god of go. Then everything turned dark. All that Akira could see was Shindo and the goban. Then Shindo disappeared in the dark and Akira could only see his hand moving over the goban and placing the stones on the board. Shindo's hand disappeared and someone else's hand appeared over the goban. This person knew how to hold the stones and he was holding a fan whenever he took his time to think.

The game was over and the hand was gone. Then the dream changed.

It was still dark and the goban was still there, and Shindo was there too, but he wasn't playing Akira. He was playing a man. A man with long purple hair, tied up in a low ponytail, dressed in white and wearing a black hat. The man was holding a fan…no, not A fan….but THE fan. Akira recognized the fan his opponent held.

Both Shindo and the man were smiling and they looked very happy.

Akira went closer to the goban and…

He woke up, but the dream didn't fade. He remembered the game he saw. Black was the new Shindo, and white…white was…the old Shindo.

And Shindo was happy….What did it mean?

He jumped out of hid bed, took his jacket and left the house.

-

Akira went to the park. Somehow, he knew that he would find Shindo there. He was right. Shindo was there, just as sad as before.

"Shindo?" But Hikaru didn't answer, nor did he move.

"Talk to me Shindo! I know I left but now I'm back. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry for wasting you're time Toya. I won't chase you anymore. I have no reason to continue."

"Wasn't I the reason you chased me?"

"At the beginning that's what I thought but... no…it's not only you."

"He's not coming back, Shindo." Hikaru gave him a frightened and sad look, then he said with low voice.

"I know. That's why I give up. He meant everything to me." Akira grabbed Hikaru's hand and pushed him into a tree, trapping him between the tree and his own body.

"Let me be your reason to go on, let me be everything for you. Let me take his place Shindo. I want you by my side in this lonely world of go. I want to be your rival and your friend. I'll wait for you Shindo, come back to me. Let me be for you what you've been for me ever since our first game." A tear fell down on Akira's cheek. He couldn't stop himself from crying.

He closed his lips to Hikaru's and touched them gently for a second. Hikaru pushed Akira back to release himself and he wanted to run but…he stopped.

"I'm not the one you've been chasing. It was him. You've been chasing him all the time. He is the one you played, he's the one you're looking for in me. But …he's gone."

"You're wrong Shindo. I did play him and I've been chasing him all this time, even when I've been playing you. Now I chase you."

"He wanted me to be his friend, I was his friend and he was mine. You…you want me to be something else….something I can't be. I'm sorry." Hikaru left without looking back.

-

Akira didn't give up, he couldn't give up. He had to talk to Hikaru and the perfect place to do that would be at Hikaru's home. Hikaru couldn't run away from him there.

The boy reached Hikaru's house and rang the doorbell. Hikaru's mother answered.

"Hello! You must be one of Hikaru's friends from the go institute. Come in, please. I'll make some tea. Many of his friends came here to talk to him but he doesn't want to see them. He doesn't talk to anyone anymore. His room is upstairs. Go ahead, I'll bring the tea."

Someone knocked at the door.

"Leave me alone!"

"Shindo, it's me" The door opened and Akira entered the room closing the door behind him.

"I won't leave until you give me all the answers I want. Who is he, who is he Shindo?"

"Sai. The one you've been chasing."

"I'm sorry for what I did last time. I don't know what happened. It wasn't on porpose and it won't happen again. Did I scare you?"

"A little. Did you come here to ask me about Sai or to talk about us." Hikaru was nervous and he was working hard to make his voice sound calm.

"At the beginning I wanted to know more about Sai. I wanted Sai to be my rival. But you know what? I don't care about Sai anymore. Just let me be your friend." Akira saw the goban full of dust in one of the room's corners. "Do you want to play a game?"

"No! I'm not playing anymore. I told you…I can't…I.."

"It's OK. You don't have to, if you don't want to." In the next few minutes, it was silence, a sad silence. The first to break it was Akira.

"You didn't really lose him. He's in you. Sai's go is in your go. He will be with you as long as you play." Hikaru couldn't stop himself from crying. He cried without saying a word. "Come on. I'll get the goban and the stones."

"What part of NO, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY you don't understand?"

"I know that you do want to play even if you say that you don't." Hikaru was crying even louder.

"I'm sorry. I've never cried so much before and I never cry when someone is around."

"It's OK."

"He wanted to play…I didn't let him…I was selfish…now he's gone."

"It's not your fault, you know that. Please, play me a game, just one."

"Fine."

**Don't ever leave me again…**

Hikaru and Akira became good friends and Hikaru started playing again. Everything turned back to normal.

One day they were announced that there was going to be a go competition between Japan, China and Korea. Each country would bring in the competition six players and in the preliminary three players from each country would be selected to go as a team in the next round.

-

A taxi stopped in front of the hotel and Hikaru jumped out. He was a little nervous but happy. It was the first time in a long time to see all his friends from the go institute together in the same place. He would also get a chance to see his friend Suyon who was a pro too.

"Hey, Hikaru, you're the last, as usual. Everyone else is here already." This voice was familiar to Hikaru.

"It's not like I'm late or something is it Waya? Nice to see you again, Isumi. Where is everyone else?"

"Toya and Ochi are getting the keys to the rooms and Yashiro is getting the program for the games. Oh, there they are!"

"All our rooms are at the first floor. Here are the keys." Ochi got the keys out of his pocket so the boys could take them.

"We're roommates aren't we Shindo?" Waya sounded like he was making a statement not asking a question. The organizers put him with Toya in the same room and he didn't like it. He hated Toya and spending so much time with him during the competition was bad enough. He will force Hikaru to be his roommate if he had to. He would have asked Isumi, but Isumi would have asked too many questions.

"Um…ah…well, sure." It was the short, positive answer Waya was waiting for.

"Good then. Let's take our things to the room. See you later boys. Coming Hikaru?"

"Yeh, yeh, I'm coming."

Few hours later they were all ready for the opening ceremony. Hikaru would have skipped that if he could. He wanted to play go, not to listen to some boring speeches. He hated suits, ties and formalities but there was nothing he could do.

After the ceremony Isumi, Hikaru, Waya and Yashiro gathered in Waya's room to play go. Each of them was going to play all the others until they got tired.

The door opened and Ochi came in, holding a goban, without bothering to close the door behind him. He had a very serious look on his face.

"I want to play all of you."

Everyone was shocked by Ochi's sudden reaction but Isumi was expecting a challenge from Ochi so he asked:

"Who do you want to play first?"

"I'll play all of you, at the same time."

Now this was unexpected, even from Ochi.

Akira was recreating a game on the goban from his room, he wasn't listening what the others were talking in the next room, but there was no way he couldn't hear the last part. He decided to go and see what was going on.

"Toya, would you go and get another board please. I want to play all four of them."

"I'll get the one in my room right away."

Ochi was a good go player but somehow it was hard for him to concentrate on so many games at the same time. He lost two games, with Hikaru and Yashiro. It's true that Yashiro took him by surprise with a first hand tengen, so he lost his concentration on the other games too, but he made a good comeback. Winning the game with Isumi with a half moku difference and the game with Waya with three and a half moku difference wasn't good enough for Ochi. He went back to his room and locked himself in the bathroom without saying a word.

"Will you play me Shindo? I want to play you and Yashiro." Akira has never played Yashiro before and he had to admit that the first hand tengen made him feel nervous.

"What? He's talking as if we're not here, as if we're insignificant. Are you going to let him talk like that Isumi?" Akira knew that he wasn't welcomed in Waya's room.

"We'll play in my room."

They played all evening, or so they say. The other boys would rather say that they argued all evening. They argued even more after Yashiro went to bed and they were louder than ever, meaning that Yashiro had spent a lot of time making peace between the rivals. Isumi was tired, and as he didn't expect Hikaru and Akira to go to bed or stop arguing, he fell asleep in Hikaru's bed.

"What time is it?" Hikaru was starting to feel the lack of sleep, and it was only then that he realized where he was, and that Isumi didn't come to sleep in his room.

"It's two in the morning. I don't realize how fast time passes when I play speed go."

"When you play speed go or when you argue?" Both of them laughed.

"I guess both. But it only happens when I play and argue with you." He smiled.

"I would have never thought of that."

"There are many things you don't know about me, Shindo."

"Like what?"

"You don't know how I feel, you don't know my feelings for you, feelings I've been trying to hide because I didn't want to scare you. I didn't want to lose you so I kept the secret in my heart but I can't do that anymore. It hurts too much." He grabbed Hikaru's hand and kissed him on the lips."Forgive me but I couldn't stop myself." Hikaru was shocked but he didn't feel like running away. "I know that I stole your first kiss, and I'm really sorry. But that's how I feel about you."

"I know. Still, I hoped you didn't. It's not like I like anyone but…it's strange. I'm not saying it's wrong…I don't know what's right and wrong anymore, Toya, I'm confused."

"Can I ask you to stop thinking about that for tonight and let me kiss you again?"

"I…I don't know…" Before he could finish the sentence, Akira's worm and soft lips touched his lips again. He felt the other boy's hand on his chest, pushing him on the bed. His mind was telling him that this was wrong but it felt right, so he decided to let things be, for one night. Akira's lips moved gently to his neck kissing him again.

That night they fell asleep in each other's arms.

-

The next day they were both silent, avoiding each other's looks, and they didn't want to play each other.

It was the day of the preliminaries and three of them would have to leave the competition but they would still get to stay until the competition was over and play shidougo with the guests.

"Everything alright, Hikaru? You were very silent today."

"Nothing's wrongs. It's just that I don't feel so well, I have a headache."

"No wonder you do. You've been arguing that Toya all night. You didn't get any sleep did you?"

"Not too much…no. I'll go to bed early tonight and catch up."

"You do that. You're in the competition now and you can't do your best if you're tired."

"Don't worry so much about me Waya. I'll be fine."

That evening wasn't too different from the other one, except that Hikaru went early to bed and Akira didn't get out of his room.

The next day Japan was playing China. In Japan's team were Hikaru, Akira and Yashiro. They all did their best and won 3-0, but it wasn't easy. The next day they would have to face Korea and maybe Hikaru would have to play Suyon. He wondered how strong Suyon was. He could remember their first game, when they were insei but that was a long time ago. Things have changed since then, they became pros, and they got stronger.

In the evening the boys gathered again in Hikaru's room to play. Akira didn't go. He knew that Waya wouldn't like him to be there and he wasn't sure Hikaru wanted him to be there either. Hikaru didn't say a word to him all day and Akira knew that it wasn't the right time for him to try and talk to Hikaru.

The door opened and Hikaru came in.

"What are you doing here all alone? Why don't you come and play go with the boys. Ochi locked himself in the bathroom again and we're one player short."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. Yashiro is playing Waya and Isumi at the same time, and it doesn't seem like Ochi is going to come out any time soon."

"No. I mean…Waya doesn't like me too much and it's his room. I shouldn't be there."

"Well it is my room too you know and I say you can come."

"Thanks, Shindo. I'm glad we're still friends."

"What do you mean? Of course we're friends."

"I thought that after that night you won't be my friend anymore."

"Don't be silly, I'll be your friend no matter what." Akira went closer to Hikaru and hugged him.

"Thanks." He was almost crying, but this time it was because he was happy.

Hikaru took the boy's hand in his and wiped some tears from his cheek.

"Why are you crying? You're not cute when you cry."

"I'm sorry I can't help it."

"But I think I can." Hikaru pulled Akira closer to him and gave him a short kiss.

"Hikaru, you…"

"Don't speak." He put a finger on Akira's lips so the other boy would not finish his sentence, then he kissed him again. Akira pulled Hikaru closer to him and embraced him tight.

"Don't let me go. Don't ever leave me again."

"I won't. I promise."

**The end**

PS: Reviews please.


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